The Hard Luck Gazette

ClodToon: Thankful for Daily Bread

2009-04-19T11:10:00.000-07:00

Father McMurphy kept silent about the breadbags that sister Broderick had worn in from the slush. He believed that she needed humbling -- and that the congregation needed a good laugh.
(based on an incident in the life of Alice B. of Spokane, Wash.)

ClodToon: No Insulation from Salesman

2009-04-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

The good news -- reported the salesman after tearing out a chunk of the ceiling -- was that no more insultation would be needed in the attic.
(based on an incident in the life of the publisher)

Coming Up "Shorts"

2009-03-19T22:53:00.000-07:00

As Mike T. of Walnut Creek, Calif., waited for an elevator in his office building's underground parking garage, a soft, white object fell from above and landed on his head. Just then, the elevator door opened, and his boss emerged from the cab. As he greeted his boss, Mike grabbed the object to discover it was a pair of women's underwear. His boss gave him a puzzled look, then -- oddly -- smiled and gave him a thumbs up sign. "Who knows how the panties got there," said Mike. "But my guess is the owner wasn't heading into the office that day."

In the Neighbor's Dog House

2009-02-16T11:44:00.000-08:00

Eric M. of Citrus Heights, Calif., thought he knew the name of dog next door because his neighbor's wife always yelled "Shut up, Ralph!" when the pooch barked. Eric followed suit when the dog's yapping bothered him -- he'd holler to Ralph over the fence and tell him to pipe down. But one day Eric made a startling discovery as he chatted with his neighbor's wife. "Ralph seems like a good dog most of the time," he said politely.

"Dog?" Replied the woman, confused. "Ralph is my husband's name."

A Shocking Encounter

2009-02-16T11:25:00.000-08:00

Roger I. of Newport Beach, Calif., paid dearly for tinkling in public the night he and his carousing friends were drinking beer in a shopping center parking lot. When the call of nature came, Roger chose a nearby bush. In mid-stream, he jumped straight up and howled like a dog. He hadn't seen the electrical socket used for outdoor lighting and received sobering jolt for the oversight. "My hair has been curly ever since," claims Roger.

Dad Spends Quality Bumbling Time

2009-02-01T21:09:00.000-08:00

Picture this classic scene: a teenage son is shooting hoops in the driveway when his dad drives up after a hard day. Dad sees a potential bonding moment with his son. And he's a bit guilt-ridden, because he's been spending too much time at the office lately.

In an uncommon burst of energy, dad drops his briefcase, streaks across the lawn and calls to his son for the fast-break pass. The son happily plays along and rockets the ball to his dad, who leaps for a lay-up in his three-piece suit. The only twist in the oft-seen scene is dad's ankle when he lands. The injury occurs after dad rips the crotch out of his expensive trousers. He misses the shot by a mile, too.

That's John N.'s dad of Downey, Calif., and he loves him just the same. "Dad might think he missed out on a lot of good times with me," says John. But in those small moments, he gave me more laughs than he'll ever know."

Shopper Is a Bit Too Casual

2009-01-01T19:17:00.000-08:00

Denise J. of El Toro, Calif., had to do some last-minute shopping for a party she was hosting in the evening and left the house in the afternoon wearing soiled, grungy sweats. She wore no makeup, her hair was greasy and dirt smears covered her face because she had been working in the garden all day. She spotted a new store, rushed in and hastily began gathering items. Suddenly, she felt a tap on her shoulder. It was the store manager, informing her that the store had not officially opened. Many people were there, but they weren't shopping. They were attending the grand opening reception -- a black-tie affair. And they were all looking at Denise.

Child's Play

2008-12-14T17:11:00.000-08:00

Sure, kids do the darndest things -- but let's face it -- their actions can usually be traced to a clumsy parenting. Here are a couple of incidents for which blame clearly falls on mom and/or dad!

A Wild Party -- Howard and Muriel E. of Boulder, Colo., wish they had arranged activities for the kids while they celebrated their 20th anniversary in anoter part of the house. As they dined, two police cars and an ambulance pulled into their driveway, sirens blaring and lights flashing. It seems one of their lads had dialed 911. Maybe the emergency was he was getting bored to death!
Getting Fingered -- Rod S. of Petaluma, Calif., didn't think his first-grader Bailey paid close attention to daddy's driving etiquette. But a call from Bailey's teacher enlightened him. The teacher had put little fella in time out for saluting his classmates with just the middle finger extended. Bailey told his teacher he didn't understand what he'd done wrong; after all, this was how daddy waved at other drivers on the freeway. Later that night, Bailey's mom put Rod in time out.

He Yacht to Be More Careful

2008-12-14T16:51:00.000-08:00

Thierry C., a winch grinder on a French yacht, spent five grueling years preparing for the America's Cup trials. But during the qualifier run, he became so engrossed in his job that he failed to see open hath in the yacht's cockpit. Thierry plunged through the opening, broke three ribs and was grounded from the sailing competition. Oh mon Dieu!

Love's Blunders

2008-11-09T12:00:00.000-08:00

She ain't choosy - Marilyn B. of Slymar, Calif., addresses her cats like regular human beings -- but her neighbor didn't know that. One evening she stepped onto her back porch and called out to her feline friends in the usual manner: "Any of you guys want to come to bed with me?" Suddenly, a voice shot back in the darkness, from over the fence. "Thanks for the offer," her male neighbor said. "But my wife wants me to do the dishes." Marilyn now opts for a simple "here, kitty kitty" to summon her pets.
Kiss and don't tell - While at the airport to pick up her parents, Karen L. of Easley, S.C., admired an affectionate couple approachingfrom a distance on the walkway. They were hugging and kissing -- obviously crazy about each other. "Why can't my boyfriend smother me with tenderness like that in public"" Karen asked herself. Her answer came when the couple got closer: the frisky man WAS her boyfriend -- or at least he had been until that moment.
She looked familiar -- Brad P., an executive from Milwaukee, WI, had endured an especially hard day at the office, so he looked forward to his date that night -- even though it was a blind date. His brother had arranged the match through a friend, who claimed the girl Brad was scheduled to meet was in the same industry. "Great," he thought. "Right off the bat, we'll have something in common." He was right -- they did have a lot in common. It turns out, they both worked for the same company, and in the same department. In fact, the girl was Brad's receptionist, whom he had fired that day! They didn't have much to say to each other after all.

Sports Spasms

2008-10-05T21:41:00.000-07:00

Balance-losing Boxer: It's bad enough to lose a fight in the first round, but in 1943 Carmine Milone lost a bout without ever taking a punch, according to Izzy B. of Mission Viejo, Calif. Milone was so anxious to mix it up that he bolted from his corner at the opening bell, lost his balance and knocked his head against one of the ring's steel posts. The blow rendered him unconscious, and the referee counted him out. Gotta admire his enthusiasm, though.
Bruised Bowler: Leonard K., a pro bowler in Toledo, Ohio, had never thought about how the pins felt, but found out one day. He chose the bounce his new bowling ball on the sidewalk to test its spring, and discovered -- painfully -- that the ball had plenty. It shot up and whacked him under the chin, knocking him out. It gets worse: Leonard's injury prevented him from competing in a high-stakes tournament the next day.
Puffing While Putting: Even though they knew the dangers of mixing drugs and driving, three golfers in Poughkeepsie, NY, were smoking grass on the greens when another golfer asked if he could join them. Smirking and loopy, the putting potheads didn't hide their activity and the newcomer -- a state trooper -- had no choice but to arrest them. The arrest looked good on the trooper's record, but his golf plans went up in smoke.

Skipping First Base

2008-09-21T20:25:00.000-07:00

Gina T., of Anaheim, Calif., insists she's a respectable girl who doesn't pick up men. But she could've fooled the people in a long grocery checkout line. Gina was looking at the checker when she reached into her purse and yanked out her wallet. That explains why she didn't see her bra fly through the air and land in the man's cart behind her. The bra was too tight, so she had removed it earlier and stuffed it into her purse. And she thought she was unconfortable with the bra on.

Clinging to His Story at the Office

2008-09-21T20:18:00.000-07:00

Co-workers of Ken J., of Ishpeming, Mich., saw him in a whole new light one morning when he came into the office. "Wild night, eh Ken?" One of them jibed. A female colleague promptly approached him and removed the bra clinging to his suitcoat, before giving him a dirty look. Ken, a conservative married man, hadn't become a womanizer. He had simply put his coat down on a pile of freshly laundered clothes -- and static cling did the rest.

Somebody's Mother

2008-09-06T22:56:00.000-07:00

Carol B., of Worcester, Mass., was only trying the break the ice at the bridal shower she was attending. So when an older woman entered the room wearing a mini-skirt, platform shoes, gaudy jewelry and tons of makeup, Carol leaned over to a woman next to her and said: "Wow! Check that lady out. Maybe she thinks this is a costume party and she came as a tramp!" The young woman next to Carol made no reply, but stood up and signaled for the older woman Carol had just dissed. "I'm over here, mom," she said.

A Teaching Moment

2008-09-06T22:50:00.000-07:00

Katherine N., a teacher from Vidor, Texas, has learned to be more private about her profession after an incident in a busy restaurant. As she and her husband waited for their meals, a familiar-looking man walked by their table. "Look, honey!" She exclaimed. "There's the father of one of my kids!" Her husband understood that Katherine refers to her pupils as her "kids," but the elderly couple gasping in the next booth wasn't as informed.

The Cold Shoulder

2008-08-17T12:21:00.000-07:00

Marjorie L., of Houston, Texas, awoke one morning with a bad cold, but she couldn't miss work. That's because her company has asked her to sit in on a panel for a business symposium it was hosting, and Marjorie wanted to score points with her boss. Her only option: pop cold tablets and hope she didn't feel too drowsy. The meeting opened with a film, and the lights dimmed. Sure enough, Marjorie was in blissful slumber in no time. She was jolted awake by her boss, calling her name. It was his shoulder she has used as a pillow.

One Woman's Bum Is Another's Beau

2008-08-17T12:16:00.000-07:00

Annette W. of Somerville, Mass., admits she rushed to judgement when she saw a grubby man outside a convenience store. After she went inside, she dutifully alerted the female clerk that a shifty-looking character" might be waiting to get her alone. "I hope he is," replied the clerk spitefully. "He's my boyfriend -- and my ride home tonight!"

Criminal Capers with Canines

2008-07-20T16:23:00.000-07:00

He Should've Played Dead: At least one man's dad is no longer his best friend. The man, a bank robber in Scotland, knocked off a bank but left behind an unwitting accomplice -- his dog -- tied to a railing outside. The pooch's collar led police to his master's house, where officers made the collar. No word on whether the dog is an Irish Pointer.
No Need to Play Dead: Thieves in San Digeo should've checked their prime cuts. They thought they'd purloined frozen sirloins in the black plastic bags, but they ended up with icy -- and euthanized -- dogs, instead. The canine carcasses were in a freezer behind a pet hospital awaiting pick up by a medical waste service. Police believe the theives thought thefreezer belonged to a nerby restaurant. Makes you wonder if the restaurant ever gets confused. Gives new meaning to the term "doggie bag". OK, I'll stop now.

Easy Rider

2008-06-12T01:27:00.000-07:00

Larry R., of Baltimore, Md., learned the hard way that it's even illegal to wear headphones on a bicycle. It didn't help that he also decided to run a red light. Turns out, the cop car was right behind him. And the officer had to pull in front of Larry -- lights blazing, sirens wailing -- to get his attention because the music was cranked to full volume in the headphones. At the time, Larry was a struggling college student. What did he have to sell to pay the tickets? You guessed it -- the portable radio and headphones.

The Gassy Dad

2008-05-24T08:19:00.000-07:00

At first, Tanya S., of St. George, Utah, was proud to introduce her dad to a popular girl at a high school theater production. But the pride diminished rapidly when the hello was interrupted by a booming explosion that shook the walls of the auditorium. It seems Dad's lurch forward to extend his hand spurred some powerful flatulence he'd been trying to suppress. It wasn't exactly the wind beneath the wings Tanya had wanted.

Putting His Worst Foot Forward

2008-05-11T21:42:00.000-07:00

John N. of Long Beach, Calif., will likely never wear a baggy jacket to a job interview. An otherwise excellent meeting with a prospective boss went south when John stood up afterward to shake the man's hand. One of John's jacket pockets caught on the arm of the chair, yanking him straight down again and backward. Trying to avoid falling completely over, John stuck his legs up, which struck the edge of the desk and sent family photos and the PC's hard drive crashing to the ground. John didn't land the job, of course -- there was some company policy against hiring clods.

An All-Too-Familiar Ring to It

2008-04-20T21:43:00.000-07:00

Anna K. of Lake Forest, Calif. made the mistake of playing with her wedding band in a darkened movie theater. As she was fidgeting, the ring slipped off her finger and she heard that familiar "clink" when it hit the floor. To her horror, the next sound she heard was the ring rolling down the sloped theater floor, underneath the seats. The encore performance was searching the sticky floor in the front of the theater -- on hands and knees -- after the late show had ended.

Attack of the Killer Cherry Tomato

2008-03-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

You don't usually consider those little cherry tomatoes assault weapons, but Linda F. of Okalahoma City discovered that one in her salad was loaded. And it went off at a bad time. Linda met her boss one day for lunch ask for a raise. She opted for a salad at the Italian deli because the other dishes seemed too messy to her. But she had forgotten about the pesky little tomato. When she stuck her fork in it, the pulp squirted across the table and nailed her boss in the eyeglasses. No word on whether she got the raise.

Everything Wasn't Coming Up Roses

2008-03-15T21:48:00.000-07:00

Anna P. of Bend, Oregon, regrets not packing an alarm clock for one particular vacation. She and her husband decided to take the kids in a motor home to see the Rose Parade in Pasadena, Calif. They drove all day and secured a prime spot the night before the event, right on the parade route. The family was so exhausted from the drive that they drew the blinds and slept like logs. Not even the procession of floats, marching bands and cheering crowds could interrupt their slumber. They woke up just in time to see the last float past by.

Lawyer Is Too Literal

2008-02-18T19:21:00.000-08:00

A young lawyer in Costa Mesa, Calif., interpreted a decree from his boss a bit too literally. The boss told him to "get rid of" several client folders strewn on the law library table. The rookie associate complied. But instead of arranging for a secretary to re-file the folders as the boss had intended, he called the building maintenance department -- and had the folders torched. The word "brief" doesn't apply to a case summary here -- it describes the young lawyer's employment at the law firm.

M.D. Mishaps

2008-01-10T22:51:00.000-08:00

From Dr. Mark M., San Antonio, TX: "A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one."

From Dr. Richard B., Seattle, WA: "At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient regretfully. Very awkward."

Breaking His Groove

2008-01-10T22:46:00.000-08:00

Linda W. of Bloomfield, Colo., came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from what she perceived as a deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Special Napkins

2007-12-29T21:30:00.000-08:00

Terri B. of Buffalo, NY, says her mother taught her to read when she was three years old. That might've been her first mistake. One day, Terri was in the bathroom and noticed a box in the cabinet with the word 'napkins' on it. She asked her mom why the box wasn't in the kitchen, where napkins belonged. Her mom replied that those particular napkins were for "special occasions". A few months later on Thanksgiving Day, Terri was assigned to set the table for dinner, for which the special guest that day would be the pastor. When the pastor entered the dining room, he was speechless when he saw the "special" napkins Terri had used. At least she followed proper decorum and had tucked in the little tail on each one so they didn't hang off the edge of the table.

Regrets, He's Had a Few

2007-12-03T22:18:00.000-08:00

Bob L., of Cherry Hill, NJ, has always had a habit of losing things. Usually, there are no serious consequences. But Bob does wince when he remembers that gorgeous blonde with sparkling eyes he met in college. She gave Bob her number just before she headed home to New York for the Summer, and told him to call her when he was in town. Of course, he lost the slip of paper with her number, and never bothered to track her down. The girl turned out to be Meg Ryan -- the Meg Ryan. He realized it when he saw her on the big screen for the first time a few years later. Even her comedies bring on the sadness now.

It Does Take Two, Right?

2007-12-03T21:56:00.000-08:00

Beatrice C., a German native living in Fremont, Calif., wished someone would've warned her about words that sound alike in English. She might've spared her American-born husband Roger a little embarrassment during a bike ride one day. She got ahead of him, then had to backtrack to find him among a crowd of other bikers on the road. "There you are!" Exclaimed Beatrice. "I was half way through the intercourse when I noticed you were not there."

Roger turned beat read, the spoke loud ebough for the crowd to hear. "You mean half way through the intersection, I think, dear."

All Fired Up

2007-11-16T08:22:00.000-08:00

Jeanne M. of Mission Viejo, Calif. tried to substitute a stove burner for her cigarette lighter -- and she got burned (literally). She was on the kitchen phone and couldn't reach the lighter, so figured she would improvise. Turning a knob on the gas-powered stove to 'High', Jeanne ignited one of the burners. Then she lowered her face, a cigarette dangling from her lips. The flame sprung up faster than she expected, singeing her eyebrows and eyelashes from her face. Jeanne insists she's not telling a bald-faced lie, of course.

A Sausage and Gravel Pizza

2007-10-15T21:59:00.000-07:00

Tom R. of Grand Rapids, Mich., knows good things come to those who wait. That's why he and his wife hung around for 45 minutes to get takeout pizza. When their order came up, they hurried to their car so they could get back home in time time for the big game. It would be worth the wait, though: they could almost taste the piping hot pizza from the wafting odor. It was only after Tom started the car and turned onto the busy street that his wife noticed the absence of that pleasant pizza smell. Panicked, she searched the car. "Hey, where's the pizza?" She asked. Her answer came immediately. At that moment, the couple watched the pizza box slide down the windshield, shoot off the hood and topple to the pavement. Tom had left it on the car roof.

Backing for the Business Deal

2007-10-15T21:52:00.000-07:00

Billie S., of Fort Lauderdale, Fla., inadvertently added some value at business-related dinner. After using the restroom at the restaurant, she returned to the table where her husband was entertaining a client. "Everyone was looking at me," recalled Billie. "I decided they must've been admiring my lovely dress." Sure enough, it was her dress -- especially the back of it, which she had accidentally stuffed into the top of her pantyhose. Her entire backside was exposed.

Reflections on Poor Eyesight

2007-09-30T16:37:00.000-07:00

Valerie T. of Omaha, Nebraska was walking down a staircase in a public building when she saw a familiar face walking toward her. The woman seemed friendly, too, with a broad smile like her own. Naturally, she greeted the approaching woman with a bubbly hello. But the greeting wasn't returned. "This lady is either rude or deaf," thought Valerie. Turns out it was Valerie who had the problem -- perhaps poor eyesight. The woman she saw was herself -- or a reflection of herself, anyway, in a full-length mirror. Maybe Valerie should've waved -- she would've either recognized her folly, or been satisfied with the friendly response of the "stranger".

The Real Junk Food

2007-09-08T20:32:00.000-07:00

A Laguna Beach, Calif. man didn't know who kept leaving donuts in the office break room every morning, but he enjoyed them anyway. Then, the custodian gave him a clue one afternoon: "Hey, do you know who's been eating these donuts?" The custodian asked him. "I pull them out of the donut shop's dumpster every morning for my dog, and stash them here. But they're gone by the time I come back for them."

A Tee'd Off Bride

2007-09-08T20:28:00.000-07:00

A Florida woman had a ball -- literally -- at her garden wedding held near a country club. The ball -- the kind used on a golf course -- flew from the greens and knocked her in the head, as she was exchanging vows with the groom. She regained consciousness, but didn't heed the sign: a year later, she was divorced.

Mother-in-Law is Tough as Nails

2007-08-26T22:04:00.000-07:00

Kim H. of Raleigh, NC, knew that making a good impression on her mother-in-law would be tough. The old fashioned mom wasn't at all thrilled that Kim was a career woman. So Kim decided to make dinner for her husband's folks to show she could shine in the kitchen, too. But when the mother-in-law scooped up some salad from the bowl, she found something extra among the greens, olives and croutons: a bright red, acrylic fingernail. Sure enough, a quick count confirmed Kim had lost a nail on her index finger -- and any chance of getting in her mother-in-law's good graces.

A Halloween Prank that Backfires

2007-08-06T22:47:00.000-07:00

Watch what happens when this dad (portrayed by this blogger) tries to scare kids attending a Halloween party. This is an entry into a TV ad contest for Heinz Ketchup. Believe it or not, the producers were a pair of (very talented) 18 year olds.

>>Watch video clip (30 seconds)

Motivational Speaker

2007-08-06T22:26:00.000-07:00

Sue N. of Oklahoma City, OK, found out what can happen when you stay in a cheap motel with identical rooms. In the morning, her husband wouldn't get out of bed while she -- anxious to continue their vacation -- was dressed and ready to go. "Get your buns out of bed!" She nagged. "I don't want to waste the day."

With that, she went to the front desk to settle their account. When she returned, she saw a motionless body, still under the covers. Now she was really steamed. "I TOLD YOU TO GET YOUR LAZY BONES OUT OF BED!" She hollered this time.

This certainly startled her husband, who was next door in their room, wondering why his wife was yelling at a total stranger. Su had gone into the wrong room. The man to whom she had actually directed her anger shot up in bed, showing his face to a mortified Sue. "Sheez!" He exclaimed. "This place sure has one heck of a wake up call."

Check Out Those Buns Without Sesame Seeds

2007-07-11T23:15:00.000-07:00

Craig C. of Laguna Hills, Calif., wished he had heeded a sign from a cool wind at the beach one afternoon. After hours of surfing, he emerged from the waves, removed his wetsuit and towelled off. He had worn swimming trunks and a t-shirt underneath the wetsuit and they were a bit damp. But Craig knew that the sun's heat would soon dry him off. As he left the beach, he noticed his backside felt colder than the rest of his body. "Probably leftover moisture," he thought. He headed to McDonald's where he stood in line for several minutes to order. It wasn't until he sat down on the hard plastic seat that he noticed his bare flesh touch it. You guessed it -- a wide split in his shorts had exposed his full moon to the beach onlookers and the hordes of fast food diners.

It Sucks to Have a Car Without Air Conditioning

2007-06-18T23:45:00.000-07:00

The next car Monique P. of Long Beach, Calif. buys will likely have air conditioning so she won't have to roll down her windows. She discovered this can be hazardous as she was driving to school with a freshly written term paper on the passenger seat. Somewhere between 50 and 60 m.p.h., a strong current scooped the document from the seat and sucked them out the window. Gone with the wind. Oh well, tomorrow is another day, as Scarlett would say.

Flushed with Embarrassment

2007-06-07T21:21:00.000-07:00

Ken A. of Draper, Utah had just used the toilet in a modern movie theater bathroom when he new cell phone tumbled into the bowl. Rejecting the idea of an unsanitary bare-hand grab, he went to get a paper towel he could use retrieve the phone. But technology got the best of him. On the way back to the stall, the automatic flusher was engaged and his phone started its journey down the pipes. "No worries," said Ken. "The phone was a piece of crap anyway." A fitting end, then.

Flipping Out

2007-05-26T21:54:00.000-07:00

Scotty B. of Palm Springs, Calif., was only following a custom of big city driving when the car behind his kept honking. He apologized to his girlfriend in advance, then shouted profanities out the window and did the one-finger salute. It was only after the offending driver stuck his head out the window that Scotty's girlfriend recognized her father behind the wheel -- next to her mother. The parents had spotted their daughter on the road and had only wanted to say hello. Dad later had a man-to-man talk with Scotty about temperance.

Life Sucks for Bird

2007-05-13T23:48:00.000-07:00

Life really sucked for the parakeet of an 84-year-old Utah woman. Gladys left the Hoover vacuum running and the hose wedged inside the bird’s cage when a phone call interrupted her cleaning. Soon after she greeted the caller, she heard an ear-piercing chirp, then a dull sucking sound: Her parakeet had gotten the half-second tour of the Hoover Tunnel. Gladys rushed to the Hoover and turned it off. She opened the bag to find the bird still alive, but he may’ve wished to be put out of his misery. His concerned master saw that he was caked with dust and dirt, and generously showered him under the kitchen faucet, then blasted him with a blowdryer. The parakeet survived the trauma, but it left him chirpless. Now he just sits and stares, according to Gladys. No doubt he’s thinking he’d be better off with Sylvester the Cat.

Senior Swimmer

2007-04-13T00:37:00.000-07:00

At a lakeside family picnic, Vinal M.'s granddaughter, Susan, persuaded him to join her for some rowboating. He wore his Sunday best — slacks, dress shirt, tie and jacket — hardly a fitting ensemble for the occasion. Vinal may have been hoping to avoid soiling that attire as he cautiously placed one foot in the boat. Or perhaps his bifocals made the transition more difficult. In any case, the distinguished-looking old man stood with one foot on the dock, one foot in the boat and the distance between the two ever increasing. Within seconds he was doing the splits. This was not a pretty sight, given the old guy’s barrel shape and stubby legs. Reaching out her hand in a last desperate attempt to help him aboard, Susan unwittingly pushed the boat even farther from the dock. The laws of physics ran their course: with one foot pointed east and the other aimed due west, Vinal descended into the lake with a mighty splash. He sputtered to the surface, groping for his spectacles. A lifeguard rushed over, and dragged him onto the dock. Vinal eventually forgave his Susan. He’s quite flexible about things, she learned.

Senior Stripper

2007-04-10T00:06:00.000-07:00

Shirlee, a retired school teacher in Avinger, TX, is a modest person. How, then, does she explain her public performance that rivaled a Britney Spears concert? Shirlee blames her poor eyesight. She forgot to wear her glasses when she went to change her blouse in the restroom of a busy restaurant. It was after she had stripped to her brassiere and replaced her blouse that she first noticed the blurred, white objects along the wall. They had an uncanny likeness to urinals. Squinting without her trifocals, she asked herself why they would be in the ladies room. The three men behind her - now snickering - had a better question: why did this woman just strip in the men’s room? Shirlee gasped, rushed back to her table and hid behind the desert menu until she saw the men leave. Shirlee now wears contact lenses that stay in her eyes all day.

Man in a Pinch

2007-04-03T00:27:00.000-07:00

A Walnut Creek, Calif. man paid the price for being too frisky just after his wedding. Mike M. was shopping with his wife and his new mother-in-law when he attempted a no-look pinch to his wife’s behind. But the mother-in-law had stepped between the couple at the last second and Mike groped the older woman's derriere instead. Naturally, Mike immediately discovered his faux pas with the fingers because the posterior he patted wasn’t as "familiar" -- or solid -- as his wife's. The three of them had a good laugh, of course, and Mike now calls his mother-in-law "Mrs. Robinson."

Crappy Condiment

2007-03-14T06:38:00.000-07:00

Oscar V. of Houston, Texas was just about to bite into a decked-out ham sandwich when his wife asked him to hold the baby for a minute. He held the little diaper-clad fella with his left arm and reached again for the sandwich. As he did, he noticed a yellow streak on his fingers. Oscar thought it was mustard from his sandwich, and licked it off. But it wasn't mustard -- it was a sample from a load in the baby's diaper. After Oscar's wife stopped laughing -- and while Oscar rinsed his mouth out -- she enlightened him: "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

Cat's Got Your WHAT?

2007-02-18T17:31:00.000-08:00

A Fountain Valley, Calif. man opted not to tell his co-workers how he hurt his head because the cat got his tongue -- and then some. Ivan B. was on his way into the shower when his wife begged him to re-set the garbage disposal. Completely naked, he crouched under the sink to perform the task. But it was all game for his new kitty, Buttons, who pounced from around the corner to claw playfully at the object she spied dangling between his legs. When Ivan‘s reflexes made him shoot straight up (like a cat, ironically), the sink cabinet knocked him out cold. Buttons is still a playful little critter, but she’s since been declawed.

Preacher's Cup Runneth Over

2007-02-05T23:50:00.001-08:00

After one powerful sermon, Pastor Jeff of Mission Viejo was humbled yea verily. Half way through his discourse, he noticed both his audience and his bladder were being moved. The first needy soul he planned to help after the sermon was himself. After the last Amen, he raced to the restroom faster than you can say Apocalypse. The Hallelujah Chorus played loudly in his mind as he stood at the urinal. This flood would have impressed Noah. He shouted praises of joy.
His kidneys were well on their way to salvation when the deacon came rushing in. He looked as though he had seen the devil, and had been struck dumb. He silently drew his finger across his neck to communicate the "cut" signal and pointed to the wireless microphone Pastor Jeff had neglected to shut off before he left the pulpit. The congregation had heard everything, from the happy groans to the urinal flushing. This was one baptism the congregation shouldn't have heard.

Wallet Stew

2007-01-01T18:29:00.000-08:00

Marjorie, a single senior living in Spokane, WA, thought she was shrewd to hide her wallet in the microwave. After all, she reasoned, it’s one of the last places a burglar would look for valuables. The plan worked well enough to fool even her. She had forgotten all about the wallet when she placed a bowl of leftover stew in the microwave later that evening. After the oven cooked for three minutes on high, she retrieved a piping hot bowl of stew — and a steaming, withered wallet. The contents, including Marjorie’s driver’s license, credit cards and family photos, were a melted mass of plastic and paper. She stashes her new wallet in the refrigerator. She likes it raw, not well-done.

Surf's Up -- His Nose

2007-01-01T18:12:00.000-08:00

Like many surfers, the only drag to catching a wave for Robert M. of Laguna Hills, Calif., is saltwater buildup in his sinuses. He never knows when a bit of the Pacific is going to drain out through his nose.The dam broke for Robert at work — not a big deal unless you happen to have Robert’s job — waiting tables at a gourmet restaurant. A steady stream tumbled from his schnoz into the dinner salad of a high-society customer. The only tip Robert got that evening was from his boss, who kindly counseled him to start looking for a new job the next day.

Trailer Blazing

2007-01-01T18:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, you just got to run free and break loose. Just ask Dave W. of Santa Ana, California. Problem was, the enlightened individual wasn't human; it was a trailer that carried a 16-foot boat Dave had just purchased. He was the towing his new prized posession down the freeway at about 70 m.p.h. in the fast lane when he heard a metallic grind -- and felt a yank at the bumper. He was easing his truck to the shoulder, when he eyed something passing him on the left. It was his boat, riding atop his runaway trailer that had become unhitched. Dave watched helplessly as the trailer -- with his new boat as braking material -- scraped along the cement center divider before coming to rest. Talk about rough sailing.

Terms of Compensation

2007-01-01T01:20:00.000-08:00

First of all, these terms apply only to stories or concepts -- based on submitted narratives -- that are published in a book (electronic or print) on another web site or in a newsletter (email or printed). And, of course, these terms are in effect only if this publishing activity generates profits.

If story or concept is published on other sites, or in a newsletter (email or printed), narrative provider will receive 5 percent of net profits from its use. If story or concept is published in book, narrative provider receives proportional share (based on the number of other stories or concepts in the book) of 10 percent of net profits. Amounts are payable within 30 days of the Hard Luck Gazette receiving the profits, along with an accounting of profit totals for that particular story or concept. Questions? Contact ed_mauss@yahoo.com.

History

2007-01-01T01:18:00.000-08:00

In 1993, I launched the Hard Luck Gazette as a printed newsletter as a means of uniting clods of the world and encouraging otherwise circumspect folks to share their foibles. The Gazette presented hilarious brief accounts of people from all walks of life -- people one with the fact that none of us is immune to minor calamities, so why not laugh about them instead of hide them? It was never meant to ridicule or disparage people. Rather, it was sort of a self-deprecation club

Through uncommonly good fortune, it garnered a good deal of media attention. At the height of its success, the Gazette had hundreds of subscribers across the United States and in a few other countries. But just as it was taking flight, I learned that having children biologically would be a challenge. So my wife and I embarked upon a journey to adopt, and I knew I would again muddle through -- this time on on the road to parenthood.

Obtaining two children (in '95 and '97), and helping to care for them, tapped most of my time and energy. Sustaining the Gazette was an unreasonable burden, so he suspended publication in 1997. As the babies have sprouted into kidlets, their maintenance has taxed me less and less -- at least physically. So I've eeked out some spare time and I'm leveraging a blog to re-launch the Gazette. I believe a blog is an ideal vehicle for sharing these kinds of stories because it allows for immediate commiseration like a print publication never could. Plus, it's much easier to publish and distribute.

I look forward to publishing the Gazette indefinitely. Maybe my kids will carry it on after I'm gone -- if they survive me as their dad.

News

2007-01-01T01:16:00.000-08:00

I first introduced the Hard Luck Gazette in 1993 as a printed newsletter. A new media campaign is in the works to launch this blog version, and I have faith that it will be received as well as the original newsletter. This homespun publication was covered first in the Arizona Republic, then soon after in the Long Beach Press Telegram, the Los Angeles Times Magazine, the National Inquirer, New Choices Magazine and the Orange County Register. The Associated Press also distributed a story over its wire services. On the radio, the Osgood Files profiled the Gazette in one of its morningtime segments and myriad radio stations around the world interviewed me live on air. My guess is that I happened to catch a few kind journalists who were bored with the standard fare of press releases on management changes at Acme Widget Inc. In any case, I'll seek their good graces once again with an upcoming news release. If you are a reporter, you can reach me at 949-633-0100.

Helping the Truly Unfortunate

2007-01-01T01:14:00.000-08:00

We are committed to donating 10 percent of our net profits to A Child's Hope Foundation. The Foundation is committed to saving the lives of orphaned children everywhere who otherwise face a hopeless future. It bridges the gap between orphaned children and adoptive families who are committed to raising them in faith and hope.

This cause is close to the heart of Ed Mauss, founder of the Hard Luck Gazette. The father of two adopted children, Ed is adoption advocate (read an op-ed and an essay) and looks for opportunities to serve vitally important causes, such as donating blood at a children's hospital or volunteering for a local children's home. His first visit to a children's home in his community was an affecting experience. It broke his heart to see how emotionally devastating it is for children who have been betrayed by adults entrusted with their care. Says Ed: "While most of us can laugh about the minor missteps in our lives, these children suffer terrible misfortune by no fault of their own. So while this blog is all in good fun, there are serious circumstances that deserve our thoughts, prayers and actions to remedy."

Share Stories

2007-01-01T01:08:00.000-08:00

C'mon, it's time to let it go. Don't hold it inside. Enough time has passed, and the wave of embarrassment has long since subsided. Ask any therapist. Letting it go is good for the psyche. Plus, you'll give a lot of people a good laugh. Maybe you'll even trigger a case of incontinence or two. That alone is worth it. We'll even help you to loosen up with civilization's enduring motivator: Money.

That's right. If we use your story, you'll get a share of net profits we could make from publishing the stories in a book (print and electronic versions) as well as from syndication to businesses. See our Terms of Compensation for full details. You'll never have to worry about reliving your embarrassment, because we'll never use your full name in the story -- just your first name, first initial of your last name, and your city. If you decide to tell your friends and family that your the subject of the story, that's between you and The Almighty.

Submitting a story is easy. Just e-mail us the details in this order:
-Name, address, phone
-When did the incident occur?
-What happened (to you, or caused by you)?
-What were the consequences?

Don't agonize over the narrative. Just use your own words, as if you're telling someone the story verbally. Try to keep keep it under 500 words. We'll be writing the story from the third person point of view (he/she/they) and using excerpts from your narrative as quotes. To get started, contact ed_mauss@yahoo.com. Type "story" on the subject line first, then key in your narrative in the message area. Our receipt of your e-mail is also a confirmation that you've read and accepted both the Terms of Compensation.

ClodToons

2007-01-01T00:58:00.000-08:00

These cartoons are based on actual incidents reported by a few good sports. Are you a cartoonist? We have tons of fodder you could use for your next work. Contact me at ed_mauss@yahoo.com.

Silence gripped the room when little Chuckie mispronounced Father Schmidt's name.
(based on an incident in the life of Jeff R. of Akron, Ohio.)

An ill-considered choice of a date for the law office party cost Fae a promising job
(based on an incident in the life of Fae D. of Racine, WI.)

Brenda learned the hard way what happens when you apply "Icy Hot" to your lower back on a hot, humid day.
(based on an incident in the life of Brenda P. of Boston, MA.)

The little guys' ingenuity paid off; their target had seen 'Jaws' and was profoundly affected by it.
(based on an incident in the life of Courtney S. of Miami Beach, Fla.)

It took man's best friend to help a very hungover Bryan realize he had walked into the wrong house much earlier that morning to sleep.
(based on an incident in the life of Bryan M. of Grand Rapids, MI)

Speeches/Teambuilding

2007-01-01T00:53:00.000-08:00

Let's say you're in charge of getting a speaker for a meeting or a leader for a team-building event. Sure, you could get one of those motivational types, but the message -- albeit somewhat customized -- is always the same: reach for stars, you can accomplish anything, yada, yada, yada.

Or you could seek out one of those out-to-pasture political leaders who'll milk you for astronomical fees while boring half of your audience members to the point of dousing themselves with gas and lighting a match. And how about one of those egomaniacal business all-stars who spends more time talking about what he did than how he did it.

Shake things up a bit and book the Hard Luck Gazette blogger for your next corporate retreat, trade group meeting, commencement or just about any other event. Our theme is unique and has universal appeal: all of us flounder, but admitting we're human helps us to keep things in perspective and avoid getting caught up in our own self-importance.

Our engaging presentation combines dynamic but humble remarks with the recounting of select stories, audience participation and a small-group collaboration activity (if event is for team-building). Plus, we won't cost you an arm and a leg - more like a pinky and a toenail.

To check availability, contact us today: ed_mauss@yahoo.com. We look forward to getting you a lot of pats on the back from colleagues.

Film Fodder

2007-01-01T00:49:00.000-08:00

It's stunning that the amateur video sites, such as YouTube.com, are so popular considering how schlocky the clips are. The problem is that budding filmmakers need good material. And we've got a ton of it here on which you can base your next project. The cream will rise to the top and your film will get downloaded more than you can imagine.

Check out a few premises for your big hit:

>A naked man's dangling appendages are attacked by his kitten when he stoops under the sink to fix the garbage disposal >A preacher forgets to shut off his wireless microphone after a sermon and his congregation hears the sounds of his restroom visit.
>Man drops pager into toilet inside state-of-the-art bathroom; he races to get a towel, but as he returns to retrieve pager, toilet automatically flushes, taking pager down.
>Motorist, with girlfriend in car, flips off honking driver behind him, but soon discovers the offending driver is father of his girlfriend simply saying hello. >Man is fed up with puddle under his washing machine and destroys the machine in a rage; turns out a leaky pipe caused the puddle.

Contact me at ed_mauss@yahoo.com for access to several narratives from which you can develop a script, or call 949-633-0100 for more details.

Sydication

2007-01-01T00:45:00.000-08:00

Leverage the Hard Luck Gazette vignettes featured in this blog for your customer/prospect newsletter, your web site, or both. Why? Because they can help grow your business. Building a web site is one thing. Getting people to go there is another. That's why content is still king. If it's compelling, it will draw visitors to your site and engage them. The more they visit, the more likely they are to purchase your products or services. And what's the second most popular type of content found on the internet? That's right: entertainment/humor-oriented. (Shame on you if you know what the most popular content is.)

Brief, funny human interest stories, such as those from the Hard Luck Gazette, are sure to get the attention of your newsletter audience or make your site sticky. Not only will your audience look forward to this content and think happy thoughts about you for providing it, but they'll also be inclined to forward it to their friends and family. This is classic viral marketing -- legions of people spreading the word about you for free.

Here are some sample segues you could use with the stories:

-Everyone commits minor miscues like this and we laugh about them later. But for the serious misfortune in our lives, there’s XYZ Insurance.
-We’re all bumblers at one time or another, but when it comes to [service offered], I won’t botch the job. Contact me today.
-I can't help you in situations like this, but I will provide you with high-quality products and excellent service. Contact me today.

If you're looking for a unique way to liven up your site, start copying and pasting. All we ask in return is attribution and a link to the blog (if content is used online).