Senior Swimmer

At a lakeside family picnic, Vinal M.'s granddaughter, Susan, persuaded him to join her for some rowboating. He wore his Sunday best — slacks, dress shirt, tie and jacket — hardly a fitting ensemble for the occasion. Vinal may have been hoping to avoid soiling that attire as he cautiously placed one foot in the boat. Or perhaps his bifocals made the transition more difficult. In any case, the distinguished-looking old man stood with one foot on the dock, one foot in the boat and the distance between the two ever increasing. Within seconds he was doing the splits. This was not a pretty sight, given the old guy’s barrel shape and stubby legs. Reaching out her hand in a last desperate attempt to help him aboard, Susan unwittingly pushed the boat even farther from the dock. The laws of physics ran their course: with one foot pointed east and the other aimed due west, Vinal descended into the lake with a mighty splash. He sputtered to the surface, groping for his spectacles. A lifeguard rushed over, and dragged him onto the dock. Vinal eventually forgave his Susan. He’s quite flexible about things, she learned.

Senior Stripper

Shirlee, a retired school teacher in Avinger, TX, is a modest person. How, then, does she explain her public performance that rivaled a Britney Spears concert? Shirlee blames her poor eyesight. She forgot to wear her glasses when she went to change her blouse in the restroom of a busy restaurant. It was after she had stripped to her brassiere and replaced her blouse that she first noticed the blurred, white objects along the wall. They had an uncanny likeness to urinals. Squinting without her trifocals, she asked herself why they would be in the ladies room. The three men behind her - now snickering - had a better question: why did this woman just strip in the men’s room? Shirlee gasped, rushed back to her table and hid behind the desert menu until she saw the men leave. Shirlee now wears contact lenses that stay in her eyes all day.

Man in a Pinch

A Walnut Creek, Calif. man paid the price for being too frisky just after his wedding. Mike M. was shopping with his wife and his new mother-in-law when he attempted a no-look pinch to his wife’s behind. But the mother-in-law had stepped between the couple at the last second and Mike groped the older woman's derriere instead. Naturally, Mike immediately discovered his faux pas with the fingers because the posterior he patted wasn’t as "familiar" -- or solid -- as his wife's. The three of them had a good laugh, of course, and Mike now calls his mother-in-law "Mrs. Robinson."