All Fired Up

Jeanne M. of Mission Viejo, Calif. tried to substitute a stove burner for her cigarette lighter -- and she got burned (literally). She was on the kitchen phone and couldn't reach the lighter, so figured she would improvise. Turning a knob on the gas-powered stove to 'High', Jeanne ignited one of the burners. Then she lowered her face, a cigarette dangling from her lips. The flame sprung up faster than she expected, singeing her eyebrows and eyelashes from her face. Jeanne insists she's not telling a bald-faced lie, of course.

A Sausage and Gravel Pizza

Tom R. of Grand Rapids, Mich., knows good things come to those who wait. That's why he and his wife hung around for 45 minutes to get takeout pizza. When their order came up, they hurried to their car so they could get back home in time time for the big game. It would be worth the wait, though: they could almost taste the piping hot pizza from the wafting odor. It was only after Tom started the car and turned onto the busy street that his wife noticed the absence of that pleasant pizza smell. Panicked, she searched the car. "Hey, where's the pizza?" She asked. Her answer came immediately. At that moment, the couple watched the pizza box slide down the windshield, shoot off the hood and topple to the pavement. Tom had left it on the car roof.

Backing for the Business Deal

Billie S., of Fort Lauderdale, Fla., inadvertently added some value at business-related dinner. After using the restroom at the restaurant, she returned to the table where her husband was entertaining a client. "Everyone was looking at me," recalled Billie. "I decided they must've been admiring my lovely dress." Sure enough, it was her dress -- especially the back of it, which she had accidentally stuffed into the top of her pantyhose. Her entire backside was exposed.

Reflections on Poor Eyesight

Valerie T. of Omaha, Nebraska was walking down a staircase in a public building when she saw a familiar face walking toward her. The woman seemed friendly, too, with a broad smile like her own. Naturally, she greeted the approaching woman with a bubbly hello. But the greeting wasn't returned. "This lady is either rude or deaf," thought Valerie. Turns out it was Valerie who had the problem -- perhaps poor eyesight. The woman she saw was herself -- or a reflection of herself, anyway, in a full-length mirror. Maybe Valerie should've waved -- she would've either recognized her folly, or been satisfied with the friendly response of the "stranger".

The Real Junk Food

A Laguna Beach, Calif. man didn't know who kept leaving donuts in the office break room every morning, but he enjoyed them anyway. Then, the custodian gave him a clue one afternoon: "Hey, do you know who's been eating these donuts?" The custodian asked him. "I pull them out of the donut shop's dumpster every morning for my dog, and stash them here. But they're gone by the time I come back for them."

A Tee'd Off Bride

A Florida woman had a ball -- literally -- at her garden wedding held near a country club. The ball -- the kind used on a golf course -- flew from the greens and knocked her in the head, as she was exchanging vows with the groom. She regained consciousness, but didn't heed the sign: a year later, she was divorced.

Mother-in-Law is Tough as Nails

Kim H. of Raleigh, NC, knew that making a good impression on her mother-in-law would be tough. The old fashioned mom wasn't at all thrilled that Kim was a career woman. So Kim decided to make dinner for her husband's folks to show she could shine in the kitchen, too. But when the mother-in-law scooped up some salad from the bowl, she found something extra among the greens, olives and croutons: a bright red, acrylic fingernail. Sure enough, a quick count confirmed Kim had lost a nail on her index finger -- and any chance of getting in her mother-in-law's good graces.

A Halloween Prank that Backfires

Watch what happens when this dad (portrayed by this blogger) tries to scare kids attending a Halloween party. This is an entry into a TV ad contest for Heinz Ketchup. Believe it or not, the producers were a pair of (very talented) 18 year olds.

>>Watch video clip (30 seconds)

Motivational Speaker

Sue N. of Oklahoma City, OK, found out what can happen when you stay in a cheap motel with identical rooms. In the morning, her husband wouldn't get out of bed while she -- anxious to continue their vacation -- was dressed and ready to go. "Get your buns out of bed!" She nagged. "I don't want to waste the day."

With that, she went to the front desk to settle their account. When she returned, she saw a motionless body, still under the covers. Now she was really steamed. "I TOLD YOU TO GET YOUR LAZY BONES OUT OF BED!" She hollered this time.

This certainly startled her husband, who was next door in their room, wondering why his wife was yelling at a total stranger. Su had gone into the wrong room. The man to whom she had actually directed her anger shot up in bed, showing his face to a mortified Sue. "Sheez!" He exclaimed. "This place sure has one heck of a wake up call."

Check Out Those Buns Without Sesame Seeds

Craig C. of Laguna Hills, Calif., wished he had heeded a sign from a cool wind at the beach one afternoon. After hours of surfing, he emerged from the waves, removed his wetsuit and towelled off. He had worn swimming trunks and a t-shirt underneath the wetsuit and they were a bit damp. But Craig knew that the sun's heat would soon dry him off. As he left the beach, he noticed his backside felt colder than the rest of his body. "Probably leftover moisture," he thought. He headed to McDonald's where he stood in line for several minutes to order. It wasn't until he sat down on the hard plastic seat that he noticed his bare flesh touch it. You guessed it -- a wide split in his shorts had exposed his full moon to the beach onlookers and the hordes of fast food diners.

It Sucks to Have a Car Without Air Conditioning

The next car Monique P. of Long Beach, Calif. buys will likely have air conditioning so she won't have to roll down her windows. She discovered this can be hazardous as she was driving to school with a freshly written term paper on the passenger seat. Somewhere between 50 and 60 m.p.h., a strong current scooped the document from the seat and sucked them out the window. Gone with the wind. Oh well, tomorrow is another day, as Scarlett would say.

Flushed with Embarrassment

Ken A. of Draper, Utah had just used the toilet in a modern movie theater bathroom when he new cell phone tumbled into the bowl. Rejecting the idea of an unsanitary bare-hand grab, he went to get a paper towel he could use retrieve the phone. But technology got the best of him. On the way back to the stall, the automatic flusher was engaged and his phone started its journey down the pipes. "No worries," said Ken. "The phone was a piece of crap anyway." A fitting end, then.

Flipping Out

Scotty B. of Palm Springs, Calif., was only following a custom of big city driving when the car behind his kept honking. He apologized to his girlfriend in advance, then shouted profanities out the window and did the one-finger salute. It was only after the offending driver stuck his head out the window that Scotty's girlfriend recognized her father behind the wheel -- next to her mother. The parents had spotted their daughter on the road and had only wanted to say hello. Dad later had a man-to-man talk with Scotty about temperance.

Life Sucks for Bird

Life really sucked for the parakeet of an 84-year-old Utah woman. Gladys left the Hoover vacuum running and the hose wedged inside the bird’s cage when a phone call interrupted her cleaning. Soon after she greeted the caller, she heard an ear-piercing chirp, then a dull sucking sound: Her parakeet had gotten the half-second tour of the Hoover Tunnel. Gladys rushed to the Hoover and turned it off. She opened the bag to find the bird still alive, but he may’ve wished to be put out of his misery. His concerned master saw that he was caked with dust and dirt, and generously showered him under the kitchen faucet, then blasted him with a blowdryer. The parakeet survived the trauma, but it left him chirpless. Now he just sits and stares, according to Gladys. No doubt he’s thinking he’d be better off with Sylvester the Cat.

Senior Swimmer

At a lakeside family picnic, Vinal M.'s granddaughter, Susan, persuaded him to join her for some rowboating. He wore his Sunday best — slacks, dress shirt, tie and jacket — hardly a fitting ensemble for the occasion. Vinal may have been hoping to avoid soiling that attire as he cautiously placed one foot in the boat. Or perhaps his bifocals made the transition more difficult. In any case, the distinguished-looking old man stood with one foot on the dock, one foot in the boat and the distance between the two ever increasing. Within seconds he was doing the splits. This was not a pretty sight, given the old guy’s barrel shape and stubby legs. Reaching out her hand in a last desperate attempt to help him aboard, Susan unwittingly pushed the boat even farther from the dock. The laws of physics ran their course: with one foot pointed east and the other aimed due west, Vinal descended into the lake with a mighty splash. He sputtered to the surface, groping for his spectacles. A lifeguard rushed over, and dragged him onto the dock. Vinal eventually forgave his Susan. He’s quite flexible about things, she learned.

Senior Stripper

Shirlee, a retired school teacher in Avinger, TX, is a modest person. How, then, does she explain her public performance that rivaled a Britney Spears concert? Shirlee blames her poor eyesight. She forgot to wear her glasses when she went to change her blouse in the restroom of a busy restaurant. It was after she had stripped to her brassiere and replaced her blouse that she first noticed the blurred, white objects along the wall. They had an uncanny likeness to urinals. Squinting without her trifocals, she asked herself why they would be in the ladies room. The three men behind her - now snickering - had a better question: why did this woman just strip in the men’s room? Shirlee gasped, rushed back to her table and hid behind the desert menu until she saw the men leave. Shirlee now wears contact lenses that stay in her eyes all day.

Man in a Pinch

A Walnut Creek, Calif. man paid the price for being too frisky just after his wedding. Mike M. was shopping with his wife and his new mother-in-law when he attempted a no-look pinch to his wife’s behind. But the mother-in-law had stepped between the couple at the last second and Mike groped the older woman's derriere instead. Naturally, Mike immediately discovered his faux pas with the fingers because the posterior he patted wasn’t as "familiar" -- or solid -- as his wife's. The three of them had a good laugh, of course, and Mike now calls his mother-in-law "Mrs. Robinson."

Crappy Condiment

Oscar V. of Houston, Texas was just about to bite into a decked-out ham sandwich when his wife asked him to hold the baby for a minute. He held the little diaper-clad fella with his left arm and reached again for the sandwich. As he did, he noticed a yellow streak on his fingers. Oscar thought it was mustard from his sandwich, and licked it off. But it wasn't mustard -- it was a sample from a load in the baby's diaper. After Oscar's wife stopped laughing -- and while Oscar rinsed his mouth out -- she enlightened him: "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

Cat's Got Your WHAT?

A Fountain Valley, Calif. man opted not to tell his co-workers how he hurt his head because the cat got his tongue -- and then some. Ivan B. was on his way into the shower when his wife begged him to re-set the garbage disposal. Completely naked, he crouched under the sink to perform the task. But it was all game for his new kitty, Buttons, who pounced from around the corner to claw playfully at the object she spied dangling between his legs. When Ivan‘s reflexes made him shoot straight up (like a cat, ironically), the sink cabinet knocked him out cold. Buttons is still a playful little critter, but she’s since been declawed.

Preacher's Cup Runneth Over

After one powerful sermon, Pastor Jeff of Mission Viejo was humbled yea verily. Half way through his discourse, he noticed both his audience and his bladder were being moved. The first needy soul he planned to help after the sermon was himself. After the last Amen, he raced to the restroom faster than you can say Apocalypse. The Hallelujah Chorus played loudly in his mind as he stood at the urinal. This flood would have impressed Noah. He shouted praises of joy.
His kidneys were well on their way to salvation when the deacon came rushing in. He looked as though he had seen the devil, and had been struck dumb. He silently drew his finger across his neck to communicate the "cut" signal and pointed to the wireless microphone Pastor Jeff had neglected to shut off before he left the pulpit. The congregation had heard everything, from the happy groans to the urinal flushing. This was one baptism the congregation shouldn't have heard.