Sunday, December 14, 2008

Child's Play

Sure, kids do the darndest things -- but let's face it -- their actions can usually be traced to a clumsy parenting. Here are a couple of incidents for which blame clearly falls on mom and/or dad!

  • A Wild Party -- Howard and Muriel E. of Boulder, Colo., wish they had arranged activities for the kids while they celebrated their 20th anniversary in anoter part of the house. As they dined, two police cars and an ambulance pulled into their driveway, sirens blaring and lights flashing. It seems one of their lads had dialed 911. Maybe the emergency was he was getting bored to death!
  • Getting Fingered -- Rod S. of Petaluma, Calif., didn't think his first-grader Bailey paid close attention to daddy's driving etiquette. But a call from Bailey's teacher enlightened him. The teacher had put little fella in time out for saluting his classmates with just the middle finger extended. Bailey told his teacher he didn't understand what he'd done wrong; after all, this was how daddy waved at other drivers on the freeway. Later that night, Bailey's mom put Rod in time out.

He Yacht to Be More Careful

Thierry C., a winch grinder on a French yacht, spent five grueling years preparing for the America's Cup trials. But during the qualifier run, he became so engrossed in his job that he failed to see open hath in the yacht's cockpit. Thierry plunged through the opening, broke three ribs and was grounded from the sailing competition. Oh mon Dieu!

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Love's Blunders

  • She ain't choosy - Marilyn B. of Slymar, Calif., addresses her cats like regular human beings -- but her neighbor didn't know that. One evening she stepped onto her back porch and called out to her feline friends in the usual manner: "Any of you guys want to come to bed with me?" Suddenly, a voice shot back in the darkness, from over the fence. "Thanks for the offer," her male neighbor said. "But my wife wants me to do the dishes." Marilyn now opts for a simple "here, kitty kitty" to summon her pets.
  • Kiss and don't tell - While at the airport to pick up her parents, Karen L. of Easley, S.C., admired an affectionate couple approachingfrom a distance on the walkway. They were hugging and kissing -- obviously crazy about each other. "Why can't my boyfriend smother me with tenderness like that in public"" Karen asked herself. Her answer came when the couple got closer: the frisky man WAS her boyfriend -- or at least he had been until that moment.
  • She looked familiar -- Brad P., an executive from Milwaukee, WI, had endured an especially hard day at the office, so he looked forward to his date that night -- even though it was a blind date. His brother had arranged the match through a friend, who claimed the girl Brad was scheduled to meet was in the same industry. "Great," he thought. "Right off the bat, we'll have something in common." He was right -- they did have a lot in common. It turns out, they both worked for the same company, and in the same department. In fact, the girl was Brad's receptionist, whom he had fired that day! They didn't have much to say to each other after all.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Sports Spasms

  • Balance-losing Boxer: It's bad enough to lose a fight in the first round, but in 1943 Carmine Milone lost a bout without ever taking a punch, according to Izzy B. of Mission Viejo, Calif. Milone was so anxious to mix it up that he bolted from his corner at the opening bell, lost his balance and knocked his head against one of the ring's steel posts. The blow rendered him unconscious, and the referee counted him out. Gotta admire his enthusiasm, though.
  • Bruised Bowler: Leonard K., a pro bowler in Toledo, Ohio, had never thought about how the pins felt, but found out one day. He chose the bounce his new bowling ball on the sidewalk to test its spring, and discovered -- painfully -- that the ball had plenty. It shot up and whacked him under the chin, knocking him out. It gets worse: Leonard's injury prevented him from competing in a high-stakes tournament the next day.
  • Puffing While Putting: Even though they knew the dangers of mixing drugs and driving, three golfers in Poughkeepsie, NY, were smoking grass on the greens when another golfer asked if he could join them. Smirking and loopy, the putting potheads didn't hide their activity and the newcomer -- a state trooper -- had no choice but to arrest them. The arrest looked good on the trooper's record, but his golf plans went up in smoke.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Skipping First Base

Gina T., of Anaheim, Calif., insists she's a respectable girl who doesn't pick up men. But she could've fooled the people in a long grocery checkout line. Gina was looking at the checker when she reached into her purse and yanked out her wallet. That explains why she didn't see her bra fly through the air and land in the man's cart behind her. The bra was too tight, so she had removed it earlier and stuffed it into her purse. And she thought she was unconfortable with the bra on.

Clinging to His Story at the Office

Co-workers of Ken J., of Ishpeming, Mich., saw him in a whole new light one morning when he came into the office. "Wild night, eh Ken?" One of them jibed. A female colleague promptly approached him and removed the bra clinging to his suitcoat, before giving him a dirty look. Ken, a conservative married man, hadn't become a womanizer. He had simply put his coat down on a pile of freshly laundered clothes -- and static cling did the rest.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Somebody's Mother

Carol B., of Worcester, Mass., was only trying the break the ice at the bridal shower she was attending. So when an older woman entered the room wearing a mini-skirt, platform shoes, gaudy jewelry and tons of makeup, Carol leaned over to a woman next to her and said: "Wow! Check that lady out. Maybe she thinks this is a costume party and she came as a tramp!" The young woman next to Carol made no reply, but stood up and signaled for the older woman Carol had just dissed. "I'm over here, mom," she said.

A Teaching Moment

Katherine N., a teacher from Vidor, Texas, has learned to be more private about her profession after an incident in a busy restaurant. As she and her husband waited for their meals, a familiar-looking man walked by their table. "Look, honey!" She exclaimed. "There's the father of one of my kids!" Her husband understood that Katherine refers to her pupils as her "kids," but the elderly couple gasping in the next booth wasn't as informed.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

The Cold Shoulder

Marjorie L., of Houston, Texas, awoke one morning with a bad cold, but she couldn't miss work. That's because her company has asked her to sit in on a panel for a business symposium it was hosting, and Marjorie wanted to score points with her boss. Her only option: pop cold tablets and hope she didn't feel too drowsy. The meeting opened with a film, and the lights dimmed. Sure enough, Marjorie was in blissful slumber in no time. She was jolted awake by her boss, calling her name. It was his shoulder she has used as a pillow.

One Woman's Bum Is Another's Beau

Annette W. of Somerville, Mass., admits she rushed to judgement when she saw a grubby man outside a convenience store. After she went inside, she dutifully alerted the female clerk that a shifty-looking character" might be waiting to get her alone. "I hope he is," replied the clerk spitefully. "He's my boyfriend -- and my ride home tonight!"

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Criminal Capers with Canines

  • He Should've Played Dead: At least one man's dad is no longer his best friend. The man, a bank robber in Scotland, knocked off a bank but left behind an unwitting accomplice -- his dog -- tied to a railing outside. The pooch's collar led police to his master's house, where officers made the collar. No word on whether the dog is an Irish Pointer.
  • No Need to Play Dead: Thieves in San Digeo should've checked their prime cuts. They thought they'd purloined frozen sirloins in the black plastic bags, but they ended up with icy -- and euthanized -- dogs, instead. The canine carcasses were in a freezer behind a pet hospital awaiting pick up by a medical waste service. Police believe the theives thought thefreezer belonged to a nerby restaurant. Makes you wonder if the restaurant ever gets confused. Gives new meaning to the term "doggie bag". OK, I'll stop now.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Easy Rider

Larry R., of Baltimore, Md., learned the hard way that it's even illegal to wear headphones on a bicycle. It didn't help that he also decided to run a red light. Turns out, the cop car was right behind him. And the officer had to pull in front of Larry -- lights blazing, sirens wailing -- to get his attention because the music was cranked to full volume in the headphones. At the time, Larry was a struggling college student. What did he have to sell to pay the tickets? You guessed it -- the portable radio and headphones.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

The Gassy Dad

At first, Tanya S., of St. George, Utah, was proud to introduce her dad to a popular girl at a high school theater production. But the pride diminished rapidly when the hello was interrupted by a booming explosion that shook the walls of the auditorium. It seems Dad's lurch forward to extend his hand spurred some powerful flatulence he'd been trying to suppress. It wasn't exactly the wind beneath the wings Tanya had wanted.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Putting His Worst Foot Forward

John N. of Long Beach, Calif., will likely never wear a baggy jacket to a job interview. An otherwise excellent meeting with a prospective boss went south when John stood up afterward to shake the man's hand. One of John's jacket pockets caught on the arm of the chair, yanking him straight down again and backward. Trying to avoid falling completely over, John stuck his legs up, which struck the edge of the desk and sent family photos and the PC's hard drive crashing to the ground. John didn't land the job, of course -- there was some company policy against hiring clods.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

An All-Too-Familiar Ring to It

Anna K. of Lake Forest, Calif. made the mistake of playing with her wedding band in a darkened movie theater. As she was fidgeting, the ring slipped off her finger and she heard that familiar "clink" when it hit the floor. To her horror, the next sound she heard was the ring rolling down the sloped theater floor, underneath the seats. The encore performance was searching the sticky floor in the front of the theater -- on hands and knees -- after the late show had ended.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Attack of the Killer Cherry Tomato

You don't usually consider those little cherry tomatoes assault weapons, but Linda F. of Okalahoma City discovered that one in her salad was loaded. And it went off at a bad time. Linda met her boss one day for lunch ask for a raise. She opted for a salad at the Italian deli because the other dishes seemed too messy to her. But she had forgotten about the pesky little tomato. When she stuck her fork in it, the pulp squirted across the table and nailed her boss in the eyeglasses. No word on whether she got the raise.

Everything Wasn't Coming Up Roses

Anna P. of Bend, Oregon, regrets not packing an alarm clock for one particular vacation. She and her husband decided to take the kids in a motor home to see the Rose Parade in Pasadena, Calif. They drove all day and secured a prime spot the night before the event, right on the parade route. The family was so exhausted from the drive that they drew the blinds and slept like logs. Not even the procession of floats, marching bands and cheering crowds could interrupt their slumber. They woke up just in time to see the last float past by.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Lawyer Is Too Literal

A young lawyer in Costa Mesa, Calif., interpreted a decree from his boss a bit too literally. The boss told him to "get rid of" several client folders strewn on the law library table. The rookie associate complied. But instead of arranging for a secretary to re-file the folders as the boss had intended, he called the building maintenance department -- and had the folders torched. The word "brief" doesn't apply to a case summary here -- it describes the young lawyer's employment at the law firm.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

M.D. Mishaps

From Dr. Mark M., San Antonio, TX: "A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one."

From Dr. Richard B., Seattle, WA: "At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient regretfully. Very awkward."

Breaking His Groove

Linda W. of Bloomfield, Colo., came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from what she perceived as a deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.