Sunday, April 19, 2009

ClodToon: Thankful for Daily Bread

Father McMurphy kept silent about the breadbags that sister Broderick had worn in from the slush. He believed that she needed humbling -- and that the congregation needed a good laugh.
(based on an incident in the life of Alice B. of Spokane, Wash.)

ClodToon: No Insulation from Salesman

The good news -- reported the salesman after tearing out a chunk of the ceiling -- was that no more insultation would be needed in the attic.
(based on an incident in the life of the publisher)

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Coming Up "Shorts"

As Mike T. of Walnut Creek, Calif., waited for an elevator in his office building's underground parking garage, a soft, white object fell from above and landed on his head. Just then, the elevator door opened, and his boss emerged from the cab. As he greeted his boss, Mike grabbed the object to discover it was a pair of women's underwear. His boss gave him a puzzled look, then -- oddly -- smiled and gave him a thumbs up sign. "Who knows how the panties got there," said Mike. "But my guess is the owner wasn't heading into the office that day."

Monday, February 16, 2009

In the Neighbor's Dog House

Eric M. of Citrus Heights, Calif., thought he knew the name of dog next door because his neighbor's wife always yelled "Shut up, Ralph!" when the pooch barked. Eric followed suit when the dog's yapping bothered him -- he'd holler to Ralph over the fence and tell him to pipe down. But one day Eric made a startling discovery as he chatted with his neighbor's wife. "Ralph seems like a good dog most of the time," he said politely.

"Dog?" Replied the woman, confused. "Ralph is my husband's name."

A Shocking Encounter

Roger I. of Newport Beach, Calif., paid dearly for tinkling in public the night he and his carousing friends were drinking beer in a shopping center parking lot. When the call of nature came, Roger chose a nearby bush. In mid-stream, he jumped straight up and howled like a dog. He hadn't seen the electrical socket used for outdoor lighting and received sobering jolt for the oversight. "My hair has been curly ever since," claims Roger.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Dad Spends Quality Bumbling Time

Picture this classic scene: a teenage son is shooting hoops in the driveway when his dad drives up after a hard day. Dad sees a potential bonding moment with his son. And he's a bit guilt-ridden, because he's been spending too much time at the office lately.

In an uncommon burst of energy, dad drops his briefcase, streaks across the lawn and calls to his son for the fast-break pass. The son happily plays along and rockets the ball to his dad, who leaps for a lay-up in his three-piece suit. The only twist in the oft-seen scene is dad's ankle when he lands. The injury occurs after dad rips the crotch out of his expensive trousers. He misses the shot by a mile, too.

That's John N.'s dad of Downey, Calif., and he loves him just the same. "Dad might think he missed out on a lot of good times with me," says John. But in those small moments, he gave me more laughs than he'll ever know."

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Shopper Is a Bit Too Casual

Denise J. of El Toro, Calif., had to do some last-minute shopping for a party she was hosting in the evening and left the house in the afternoon wearing soiled, grungy sweats. She wore no makeup, her hair was greasy and dirt smears covered her face because she had been working in the garden all day. She spotted a new store, rushed in and hastily began gathering items. Suddenly, she felt a tap on her shoulder. It was the store manager, informing her that the store had not officially opened. Many people were there, but they weren't shopping. They were attending the grand opening reception -- a black-tie affair. And they were all looking at Denise.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Child's Play

Sure, kids do the darndest things -- but let's face it -- their actions can usually be traced to a clumsy parenting. Here are a couple of incidents for which blame clearly falls on mom and/or dad!

  • A Wild Party -- Howard and Muriel E. of Boulder, Colo., wish they had arranged activities for the kids while they celebrated their 20th anniversary in anoter part of the house. As they dined, two police cars and an ambulance pulled into their driveway, sirens blaring and lights flashing. It seems one of their lads had dialed 911. Maybe the emergency was he was getting bored to death!
  • Getting Fingered -- Rod S. of Petaluma, Calif., didn't think his first-grader Bailey paid close attention to daddy's driving etiquette. But a call from Bailey's teacher enlightened him. The teacher had put little fella in time out for saluting his classmates with just the middle finger extended. Bailey told his teacher he didn't understand what he'd done wrong; after all, this was how daddy waved at other drivers on the freeway. Later that night, Bailey's mom put Rod in time out.

He Yacht to Be More Careful

Thierry C., a winch grinder on a French yacht, spent five grueling years preparing for the America's Cup trials. But during the qualifier run, he became so engrossed in his job that he failed to see open hath in the yacht's cockpit. Thierry plunged through the opening, broke three ribs and was grounded from the sailing competition. Oh mon Dieu!

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Love's Blunders

  • She ain't choosy - Marilyn B. of Slymar, Calif., addresses her cats like regular human beings -- but her neighbor didn't know that. One evening she stepped onto her back porch and called out to her feline friends in the usual manner: "Any of you guys want to come to bed with me?" Suddenly, a voice shot back in the darkness, from over the fence. "Thanks for the offer," her male neighbor said. "But my wife wants me to do the dishes." Marilyn now opts for a simple "here, kitty kitty" to summon her pets.
  • Kiss and don't tell - While at the airport to pick up her parents, Karen L. of Easley, S.C., admired an affectionate couple approachingfrom a distance on the walkway. They were hugging and kissing -- obviously crazy about each other. "Why can't my boyfriend smother me with tenderness like that in public"" Karen asked herself. Her answer came when the couple got closer: the frisky man WAS her boyfriend -- or at least he had been until that moment.
  • She looked familiar -- Brad P., an executive from Milwaukee, WI, had endured an especially hard day at the office, so he looked forward to his date that night -- even though it was a blind date. His brother had arranged the match through a friend, who claimed the girl Brad was scheduled to meet was in the same industry. "Great," he thought. "Right off the bat, we'll have something in common." He was right -- they did have a lot in common. It turns out, they both worked for the same company, and in the same department. In fact, the girl was Brad's receptionist, whom he had fired that day! They didn't have much to say to each other after all.